when the end is near

Hello lovely people

Here I am again, I saw my dad dying day by day in front of me. It happened so far back in my childhood, but my heart and my body stopped aging after that day. I still feel like a vulnerable twelve year old. I have always been in constant search for love and safety my whole life. The emptiness inside my soul after that very public display of emotion was never filled. I tried, people tried, but it is there. Even now after so many years it’s there. Was I born like that? Unhappy, sad or did I become like that later on in life? I don’t remember, I remember myself sad, lost and in need of stimulation every single day. I started internalising my emotions and thoughts pretty early in my life. My thoughts were wild, unrealistic pretty much day- dreaming like. When my dad was dying I wanted to ask him how it feels to when you know that you are going to die. How you make yourself wake up every day, thinking ‘another day without dying’ or whatever that person feels. Sudden death is fine, no thoughts no stress, just peace. But this is merciless. I remember my mum telling me that dad wants to die by taking some substance during his last days. I remember i couldn’t answer my mum, and I always really hoped that mum shouldn’t have shared that with me. This thought haunts me. My dad wanted to live. He wanted to make sure we are well taken care of. My mum sometimes push my dad to talk to us about our futures, guide us and tell us what to do in life. She never said directly that she wants dad to guide us what to do when he is gone. She used to keep it casual and make us sit in my dying father’s room to talk. I hated those times. Those times were very real and still. I have always been scared of looking back at those days. My dad’s helpless eyes break my heart. However my dad always managed to find some positive things to say to us. He used to start unsure and then talks about how his life has been fulfilling. I always feel he is trying to convince himself sothat he can go peacefully. He had seen so many ups and downs in his life. His mum died when he was a teenager and his dad and his dad’s mistress didn’t tell my dad about the death and funeral. My dad have never forgotten and never forgiven his dad for that. He later on cut all ties with them for doing this. But here he is on his death bed thinking he could cheat death. I am sure he is happy reunited with his mother. 

For me all those days when my dad was dying are like yesterday. I could never forget about it. I can feel him lying still, looking at ceiling for hours, then keeping his eyes closed for hours; I used to think what is he thinking, how come he is so at peace with it, Why is he not shouting or getting angry that he is too young to die. Now when I am in his position, I understand. I understand that our body and our mind does not work like that. Our brain is very clever to press the painful thoughts when it comes to survival. I found myself thinking about my dad and my childhood a lot. No matter how hard I try I can’t day dream, I can’t think about future. That’s what makes it easy to face death. 

Love

PS