Together but not.

Hello lovely people

I am here as I promised. Many people have emailed me to leave the house, leave my husband, divorce him etc. I am still living with him or I should rather say that we live together just for the sake of our children. Separation are of so many kinds, my relationship with my husband is full of its flaws. And I know playing victim here isn’t helping anyone. We separated in our own house, while sleeping in the same bedroom a few months after my second child was born. It first started as giving me space for nursing new born. Then we carried on like that. It was so good for both of us. Less abuse, more peace, a better environment for children. He didn’t miss me. I missed intimacy and love. But we stayed together. We didn’t divorce and didn’t discuss divorce or drop any hint about it. He was a bit taken aback when I threatened to call cops on him when he bombarded me with swear words and asked me get ready for a beating. I actually talked to women help line and explained my situation. The people are checking on me regularly ever since. He was never mine. He was an illusion which I was trying to understand and work with. In this duration up until my diagnosis I was very busy with my work and children. I found love in books, gardening, baking and even my work. I was appreciated in all these different aspects. I loved my life and felt acknowledged. I never got a husband’s attention and love. By now I was too scared to even ask or try. There were some undertones of abuse and calling names but that subsided when I didn’t participate. I was too satisfied in myself to feel insulted anymore. I was overworked and overwhelmed. There was always so much to do every day. I think that was his way of punishing me for being happy. That weekend before my diagnosis, I took my children for a brunch. I was too tired to cook, my back was hurting. So that was the last time i participated in a meal with my children without the thought of cancer in my mind. That was a Tuesday when I had to be rushed to the Emergency Room. Every thing changed. So many emotions came back. I just wanted to be hugged by someone real right and told that’s okay. You would get through it. Just somebody to do that for me. I am still waiting on that. But yeah, I was saying. Separation did happen but our hearts separated long back. People are different. This worked for my family. It was like a mutual consent without even speaking a word. Communication was never there in this marriage. There were hollow egos and threats and silences. It was unhealthy. It is unhealthy still if any one still going through this. I couldn’t go my way because that was not possible but we did find a way to make it work for children. Life is interesting when lived beautifully and a nightmare if left with untied loose ends.

Hugs

P