She loved life.

Hello lovely people

Here I am as promised.

Life is not easy, yeah yeah, we all know. What’s new in that? Couple of weeks ago one of my cousin died of multiple organ failure. She used to love life and always lived to the fullest. She she knew she was born with one kidney. She had some genitalia defects when she was born which was later corrected by the doctors. She never complained that why she was like that. Why her mother didn’t get scanned properly and why she didn’t take care of nutrition blah blah blah. Blah blah is there because people are saying and suggesting so many things now when she’s gone. Ever since we were children she would invite us to her doll house tea party which ends up in organising a wedding for the mum and dad dolls. She was marriage obsessed, and I am not exaggerating. She would attend every wedding she was invited to. She was always super excited and happy for reasons unknown. I am sure she was thrilled and imagining herself as a bride. I always found her talks dull because it was always about when I would get married. She was all about being a wife. Not bad though but young me and other cousins found it a bit annoying and too much. She had her first boyfriend at the age of 13 and she got caught on her very first Valentine’s Day after being in a relationship. Tragic. Apparently the guy was older than her and lived on the same street so it was weird for her parents. I could see her sobbing like Shakespeare’s heroines and being her witty self and imparting the self worth speech. I don’t want to demean her but she never gave us a hint that she thinks. Jokes apart, that phase only used to last until she would find next true love. She would always want to talk about her loves, crushes with us. She was good in telling about that. I could feel her and a sense of titillation in my heart. She started growing her hair long because apparently boys love long hair. She had dresses for all the occasions, even for break ups. She was fun. She fell for the guy in the first year of her college and her parents approved that relationship. Guy was handsome and quite a few inches taller than her but she was beautiful in her own way. We attended the wedding. I can tell you she had arranged or helped arranged almost every single thing. It was so her. Music, decor food, her dress. She had gone for shimmer and why not? She was looking ravishing. A very happy day for her. After the wedding they left for their month long honeymoon sponsored by the groom’s family in Austria. All of us went on with our lives, I was studying that time and in a serious relationship with my current husband. After a couple of months, I went home on my mum’s birthday and we happened to talk about the scrumptious lasagna we had at my cousins’ wedding. Mum told me that she is back from honeymoon and things were not looking that great between the couple. I immediately thought about her. I am one hundred percent sure she was trying her hardest to make that marriage work. She was that desperate to have her own family.

“Should I call?”

“It’s still raw.”

“What do you mean Mum? Has something happened?”

“Yes, she is back home and just crying and not talking to anyone. Last month, Aunt Trace called and told about her.”

“Oh, I think we should go.”

“I think you are right.”

So, I convinced my mum and we left for Aunt Trace’s place. I could see sadness on aunt and uncle’s faces. I knocked at my cousin’s door and she did open the door. She came down with me and had her breakfast. It was almost lunch time though. She got a bit of light back in her eyes. Her long golden brown hair were messy. I had never seen her like that ever. She was one of those people from tv commercials who wake up picture perfect. But it was a different story that day. Me and mum took a back seat and they started talking to one another. Her brother also came back from school by then. He sat with her sister, holding her hands. She was loved, she was blessed to have such caring family. She started by saying that she felt so embarrassed in that wedding. Her husband questioned her sexuality because of the marks on her private parts. She did tell him about the operation early on as per her but they never did anything physical that includes actual penetration. Okay okay I am sure not all were comfortable with this part but that was that. She was bewildered and was feeling uncomfortable and shocked with the unfavourable turn of events. His father and brother left the room when she started sharing, I could not understand why but now I get it. Male ego doesn’t want to hear their daughter talk about their daughter or sister’s messed up sex life. She was not blaming any body even in that situation. She defended her husband saying it was too much for him. He didn’t find it comfortable sexually and too mechanical and fake. I started feeling less of that man in that situation. That vagina expert. She did try to call him but he didn’t answer. I was happy with the fact that she was talking, eating and reasoning right. We left hoping all would go well between the two. I asked mum on the way home what was going on there. There seemed to be more to the story. My cousin was also blindsided up until the day she met with her husband and her family one last time before they headed for divorce. So a meeting was called to discuss the family matters within the family. My maternal uncle was present there who has been a father figure in my life since my dad died. So he filled my mum with all the details because mum thought it would be best to keep as number of people present from outside the family the better. But word still got out as you can see. There were some serious allegations from both sides. Parents not the groom. Groom was in and out of cries every now and then. No one was sure what was that about. Whether it was about getting duped into the marriage or not able to fix marital issues internally. I my hear is that my cousin was still hopeful and trying to make this work. The groom finally spoke that day and said that she was not a bad person or anything but his expectations from marriage are different. He wanted to have children and enjoy married life but it was hard given she never had period and it didn’t feel natural while they were intimate. He said he didn’t know anything about surgery or anything. He just weird and asked her. She admitted about reconstruction. Then they went to see a gynaecologist to help them through this. Apparently the revelation in the doctor’s office put him off. He felt he had been cheated and she knew all that. So she had no uterus as per examination and scans, her vagina is there but just equivalent to a pipe made of skins and flesh. It was heartbreaking to hear all that. My maternal uncle break into tears while telling mum his experience of sitting there through the talks.  He said he felt so bad for both my cousin and her husband. Both them wanted to have a wonderful life, they tried. They certainly love each other. But that marriage had no future when they want different things from life. It certainly point out that they never talked about their sexual competency which is such an important part of a married or love partnerships. I didn’t dare phone my cousin because she was feeling utterly heartbroken and embarrassed. Uncle and Auntie were shocked, embarrassed and humiliated because they knew all along. What were they thinking? Why did not tell her, my cousin. Or did they tell her? Nobody knows? They eventually got divorced.

My cousin was very vocal about it just like as if it was a big misunderstanding on the part of the groom. She was repeating that they could still had had a fulfilling life and could adopt a child. She had been living in that dream world of hers far too long to see things in the reality of the world. From that day on she was on a mission to prove him wrong. She had another boy friend within a couple of months and got ready to remarry. We talked to her and asked her to not rush into things. I know living alone is very hard. She had dreamt a life of marriage and children ever since I remember. She was a perfect life partner. Beautiful, educated, independent and courageous. She deserved all the happiness. But she was just not ready to waste a single second anymore. She was younger than me and a few other cousins. But she always wanted to be a bride. She insisted on sending her ex husband a wedding invite. He didn’t attend the ceremony. Yes wedding did happen, a small ceremony. Only her family and grooms family attended. We were invited to the dinner party afterwards. Groom wasn’t really a match for her good looks in any way but he look happy. My cousin was happier. We get to know the groom knows everything about her and ready to adopt a child right away and start a new life with her. I moved to a different far away place because of my work. And the connection almost snapped. She became busy with her married life and a baby which they adopted within the first month of their marriage. A girl they adopted. I returned home during Christmas and one day during a coffee date with my mum I saw her doing groceries. She was looking very pale, thin and exhausted. I approached her and saw her deep sunken eyes. She saw me and almost instantly shifted to the defensive mode. She gave her typical smile and her big bright eyes light up. She told me that she is doing groceries while her baby was home with grandma. I couldn’t help but ask her about her health and life. She told me she was very happy and her husband looked after her well and so many other things. She was sounding happy but not looking. She was looking thinner. Mum joined me in the meantime and asked her to come for dinner sometime with her husband and kid. She said she would try but her husband was always busy with work. He had started a new venture of some sort. Life is so unfair. She deserved happiness the true kind and for a long term one. I couldn’t tell if she was lying. Her hands were hard and dry, her hair were unkempt.

The point is life is not a linear process. Your desperation, your willingness does not always execute in the manifestation of your dreams. I am dying here sick, she has died living and dreaming. I am still not sure if she was happy in her second marriage or not. Honestly i don’t want to know. She was tired looking when I saw her last. She was definitely not looking after herself but maybe she was loved. But she was not someone who would hide. Or had she learned to hide her feelings for her prides. When I heard about her death all i could remember was her zest for life and her smile when i last saw her. She won.

See you in my next blog.

Hugs

P