Life and side effects

Hello lovely people

As I was saying in my previous blogs that I was on a trial treatment but my body started to feel exhausted. My body wasn’t ready for any more torture. I was bed ridden, not eating or drinking. There were tubes going through my veins and that was the main source of food for me. Each time the nurse comes to take my blood pressure the bp cuff tightened my muscles in such a way that my fingers started to bend inwards. I told her that and she blamed it on my physical weakness. A nutritionist visited me one evening and explained to me how food is important for my body. I was finding all this very ridiculous. I wanted to eat and they could see. The problem was the food was not going inside, my mouth was too dry, no saliva there, if it does go it wasn’t staying inside despite cocktails of anti vomiting drugs. And of course the diarrhoea was in full bloom. The doctor came next morning and asked me about the nutritionist’s visit. I lied that it was helpful. My mum asked if I could be eligible for blood transfusions. Doctor promised that he would look into it. And he did. I was already admitted into the hospital so there was no problem of missing the appointment or anything like that. In fact, after my chemo infusion, we stayed the only that night in the house and next morning we came back with the complaints of severe vomiting and diarrhoea. I don’t know if that was diarrhoea because there was just water in my stool. All water. So yeah bags on my arms and blood bag on my left foot which was later changed to the right foot because left one got swollen. Blood infusions got a thumbs up from my doctor as per the other doctor who was the on call doctor for the night. By now I was getting in and out of sleep, body was getting tired, liver and kidneys were struggling to achieve ideal blood works. So blood transfusion seemed like a good idea. I was tied to my bed with the intravenous fluid tubes and blood bags. The electro cardiogram and blood pressure monitor. Bp monitor, I later requested to remove because it was affecting my fluid infusion and my hand was behaving funny with every squeeze. There was a oxygen saturation and a pulse monitor on my toes too.

Lying there with my mum on my side, I was not feeling weird, scared, shocked or upset. I was not feeling anything. My body had accepted that reality and everything seemed so normal and natural to me. No discomfort at all. It seemed like a new way of living. Just keep lying, sleeping, no thinking, listening to music. I had to stop listening to music as well after a week as music was causing nausea and vomiting. I don’t know still how that was happening. I didn’t want my mum to talk or anyone to ask how I was doing. I wanted to sleep and just watch my bags getting empty and then getting replaced by new full ones. I was not angry anymore on my husband or all those people who hurt me or humiliated me in my life. I was just me, breathing, existing in the moment without any purpose. I sometimes feel how important our grudges are to keep us alive and motivated. Grudges are as important as the aspirations and ambitions in our lives. Grudges keep us alert and focused. That moment was grudge less, meaningless. A scary moment when you don’t care and just want to sneak out into oblivion. Diarrhoea bouts were still going. I almost lost all lower body strength and upper body was also giving up. Next morning after the bloods, my doctor visited me and saw my swollen legs and asked me to move my legs and try to hop on the wheelchair. I tried, I became breathless. My fingers started to curl inside, there were some waves going up and down my body. My mouth started to twist, my eye lids, nose skin twitching, my legs curled back. I had a seizure. My doctor was there, mum was there and I thought that is it. I wanted to say good bye to my children but that’s fine. As I was getting worse I was getting more sure that it was best that they didn’t see their mum like that. I was ready. Then I was given an injection. Life was a blur in front of me. My children’s big broad grinning face were in front of my eyes. Life was good. 

I am still here tough to give to all virtual hugs.

P