Shame

Hello lovely people 

I am here again. As I was talking about the marital abuse, I was thinking how come I was never able to talk about it all those years when that was happening. What could be the reason? Lack of narratives around it or lack of awareness or something else. It is hard for you to understand on the basis of one case. There are different factors play a role with different people. I have never talked about the other form of abuse for years too in my childhood. That would be a topic of some other time. Okay fine so after that day, i believed that he would not do it again. But that happened again and again and again. I don’t even remember the reasons for later episodes.

But it did start to hurt less and less. It always happened behind closed doors so my humiliation was my big little secret for months until it was not. We went to see his cousin, he drank more than normal that night. My little baby didn’t stop crying because it was a new place and we had travelled quite a distance. He didn’t like that noise, he pulled me by my hair and dragged me all the way on the floor. My son was in my arms. I felt so naked in that situation. I staggered to lay my son down on the bed. My little baby was shocked and his big brown green eyes were horrified. He stopped making noises. He kept looking at the ceiling for some time hearing his mum’s cries. I was getting a beating and being called all types of swear words. He pulled so many hair that I grabbed it next day in bunches. He tried to strangle me with his hands. I was about to pass out when he stopped. I cried and still said out of love that I could not believe he could do something like that to me. I shockingly still asking him to remember that he loved me. He went to bed and fell asleep. I kept crying for hours scared even to go to toilet or drink water. Whole house had heard me screaming and crying. Interesting though, nobody came to say a word. Next day, my husband woke me up and told me to go help with breakfast. I was dumbfounded. Hello, you abused me yesterday, remember. Nevertheless, he went back to sleep. I opened the door and headed towards the kitchen. The woman of the house had a look of anger on her face. She told me to stop being a doormat. “You are an educated woman. What are you doing to your life? This is not life. You can’t give a good upbringing to your child in these circumstances. Wake up!” I really felt heard that day and I realised that whatever was happening was not normal. The men of the house talked to him about something too. He did come to me to say sorry and that he wouldn’t do that again. We had sex. I felt so disgusted that day. I promised myself that I will not let him hit me like that again. But I forgot that was not the only way of abuse. Just remember, abusers never change, they just change the ways of abuse. My husband has never accepted till date that he used to hit me and has said sorry multiple times. Years later I raised this issue with his mother and she replied shockingly that an annoying wife have to put up with all this. Nothing strange in that. That’s an abuse, right. I told my husband what his mother thinks all of that he said, “this is what you get when you tell on your husband. I have never hit you. Prove it”. I can’t dare to prove anything, I am sick and counting days. But I am hurt, people. I was abused and hurt. But that’s not the point. He is like this because of the way he has been brought up. No no, I am not giving any excuse for his actions. Just saying that we mothers are responsible for our son’s actions; and father too of course. Parents make the children. I had a fatherless childhood which was basically lonely and had incidents of indecent exposures. I am always scared to death thinking about my children going through the same. I don’t want them to be lonely. I want them to have as many people of real family possible in their lives. This world is not a nice place for lonely children. The fears in the hearts of the children are beyond fathoms. I would try anything in my power to protect them. Once my baby become talk-able age, he at Started to pick his dad’s words. That was the first and last time I saw shame on my husband’s face. He never hit me or swear me in front of my kid again. But one day I was getting ready for work, I had already dropped off my five year old son  to school, he was angry about something, he pushed me to the door and I hurt my upper arm. By the way I was pregnant with my second kid this time. He left and I had to leave for job too. My life routine had become so mechanical that i felt terrible about my life and felt disgusted. Something changed in me that day. I gave him a call and told him that I am going to police because I was sure you would hit me again when you were get home. His tone suddenly changed and he apologised to me without wasting another second. I really scared him that day. I felt empowered. Why didn’t I think about it before? Why didn’t I really go to the police and complain just in case? But that phone call worked, he stopped hitting me. But yelling and calling names continued When my kids have gone to sleep. My kids have a broken mum and a broken dad. Life was never easy. But no episodes of violence had made it tolerable until cancer happened. All the old memories and the toxic people have made a re entry.  

Talk soon.

Hugs

P