horror

Hello lovely people

Here I am as I promised. Today’s topic is a bit sensitive. I am going to talk about physical violence in a marriage. So if you feel it triggering, please discontinue reading. So here I am. I am just going to talk about the first ever episode of violence . We got married and we moved a quite a bit far away from my family. His mother used to mentally harass me while we used to closer to her. So I told my husband about it. He didn’t say anything to her or to me. He stopped talking about it and we moved to a different place here. I thought he understood and he would want to distance from them so-that relationships stay cordial. First day in the new house and he pushed me inside. I was taken aback but he said he wanted me to rush as he was tired of driving all the way. It was a shock but i ignored. I thought he might not have anticipated that the nudge would be too strong. Yeah so that was the first time. His behaviour stayed aloof and distant. He used to call his mother from the basement and share everything. Everything every single detail he used to tell her. I heard so many times. It was not hard, it was a quiet neighbourhood. But he never intended me to hear those things, he used to talk when I was either sleeping or not around. But could not call him too careful, first few times I heard by chance but then i tried to hear after my son’s first birthday. So my son’s first birthday was coming, I was preparing cakes and tiny pastries, decorating the house. We wanted to keep it a low key personal affair. So I was doing everything at home. I was a stay at home at that time and looking after my baby Just the night before the birthday, he was sitting on the porch drinking. I asked him to stop it now because it was getting late and we had a busy next day. He was already drunk by then and slurring his words. He grabbed me by my hands. He pushed me and I landed on a chair arm rest on my back. He got up and started punching and said, “do you think I am an alcoholic. My mum was right. You spoiled my life.” He pulled me by my hair and dragged me. I shouted help and he hit me more for that. I hid myself in one of the bedrooms. He kept on banging the door and then he disappeared somewhere. I stayed there for an hour.

It was already very late. I heard him calling my name and vomiting. I came out of the door and saw him on the bathroom floor. He asked for help. He was crying and said he missed his mother. I felt sorry for him. I felt bad that he had to leave his mother because of me. I forget my pain and started to console him, clean him rather. He seemed unapologetic and went to take a shower and then to bed. We had sex and I felt better. I was terrified but assured that was a one off thing. But physical violence, beating wife was never ever a one time thing. Just look at the newspaper articles. There is no such thing as single episode of marital violence. I got ready for my son’s birthday. Put extra makeup for hiding slaps and horror marks. I felt sorry for my self but was not angry at him. It was strange. I couldn’t understand myself. I am still in that marriage. I felt very lonely sometimes and vulnerable because I had stopped working because of my condition. I still expect him to show some affection for humanity’s sake. But yeah i have not received anything like that yet. So yeah, I do understand violence are of different types. I have been helping women find their ways out of such relationships but then when kids are involved, no coach knows how to get out abruptly. We always work with counselling and manoeuvring the situation unless physical violence is there and the woman wants to get out. I managed to stop the physical abuse. He is my children’s father, after all. They need him still. I had given myself a target. We human never learn from our mistakes and move on. We wait foolishly for things to get better on their own. That pre birthday episode should have been an eye opener but wasn’t. I will talk about the rest in my next blog. And I will tell you how come I have reached this far in that marriage of domestic violence. If you want to comment or question, feel free to do that. I am here to let you know what I was feeling in that situation and how I got out of violence.

Talk soon.

Hugs

P