my love

Hello lovely people

I am here as i promised in my last blog. So as per my last blog my journey with cancer and sickness was coming to an end. Not a happy ending as I was expecting for my kids. But yeah I was bed bound, treatment side effects made everything stall for me. I was taken to scans and I had a massive seizure. I will talk about that in my next blog. Before that let’s talk about something very personal to me. My marriage. I got married young. So me and my husband were set up for a date which was made to look like a coincidence by our common friends. My friends said that we were so alike in so many ways that we were soulmates. That i would agree that we are alike on so many levels and I believed we were indeed soulmates. 

So I was junior in college, he was senior. I never saw him in my circle before. I first noticed him when he came to attend a friend’s birthday party. I am not much of a party person but I love to be in the crowd. I feel safe with people around me. I wasn’t a nerd but pretty smart ass student as per my friends. So people knew me for being teachers’ favourite (in a good way). I believe I had always been lucky like that. I always have had good teachers and friends. So yeah, that set up worked. He had an enigmatic charm about him. I liked him. Our families got involved pretty quickly in all of this. So there seemed no going back or retrospect. We got engaged. I started doubting my decision pretty early on. But there was a hope that he would get me and then I started justifying his behaviour on troubled childhood. He didn’t have dad like me. I mean I lost my dad early in life so we kind of were alike, weren’t we. He was close to his mum like me. I believed him to understand how hard life could be without having dad around growing up. He seemed to understand and talked about the hardships. But then he would say something totally reckless and demeaning towards me. He would swear a lot. He would justify swearing at me by saying he was annoyed by someone else but because I was his own so he felt safe to vent his frustration. So yeah it just happened. And that time when I raised the issue with him and his family, I was told that all relationships have their ups and downs. “You guys aren’t teenagers, so it’s a mature relationship and people don’t act all lovey dovey all the times.” Honestly, I felt a little uncomfortable and embarrassed that I made an issue out of nothing. He loved me, didn’t he. It was just my expectations that were creating problems. I needed to be realistic. I started to feel jealous of my friends who were in a romantic relationships. They used to act so different from us. They were the couple which I always wanted to be. I started distancing myself from them. I was head over heels in love. I started to find reasons to justify my relationship. My mum advised me to take some time before taking a big decision. But he wanted to get married. So, we got married, didn’t invite any of my friends. Because In the back of my mind, I knew I was miserable in that marriage. But i thought as long as I had the person I loved, with me, it’s alright. Very soon his mother and brother started influencing his life, his life decisions. I never realised but the fact was that they never left, they were there all along. They were on his shoulders steering his thoughts. I was fine with that in the beginning because of course who did not want family around. But that controlling family love started to affect our wedding. I never understood what was about me that they would despise wholeheartedly and still does. Even if I don’t like someone I never say that to their face. But they were not like that. I was an educated person but I was getting swayed with all that. I had too much of them within a year but then I discovered I was pregnant. I had told him that i didn’t want baby straight after marriage. So he said his mother would not be pleased with that decision. That was weird but I thought maybe she was expecting a grand baby because apparently they were hopeful of happiness with that wedding. I carried on with pregnancy thinking things would get better. Nothing changed. Gaslighting, manipulation continued all these years. I had another kid because I wanted a sibling for my first one. I wanted a third one too but things were beyond repair by then.

Then my diagnosis came. I was shocked to hear their response to my diagnosis. So it was my karma and my kids were doomed to get it from me anyways, they passed the judgment. I just wanted to gouge their eyes out for saying that about my kids  but I looked at my husband to ask her to stop. But no response came from him. I was heartbroken but I couldn’t say anything. If i would die, his family would be looking after my kids, so it was better to keep quiet in that moment. My husband would definitely remarry. He had always given the hint that he could never live alone in life and needed somebody with him. So yeah here it was. When I look back now, I am not sure if I had done anything different or maybe. My children were involved in this quick sand. When my first child arrived, I felt the immediate need to protect him. I wanted to give him a childhood with a dad and a mom. I know what happens when you don’t have either parent. So yeah I just prayed to God on the day of my diagnosis to give a few more years. I wanted to prepare my kids. Though here I am when my treatment has failed and my body has failed the new trial treatment. Let’s talk about rest in the next blog.

Hugs

P