Fearless

Hello lovely people

How are you all?

As i promised in my last blog, i am here. I was given a hospice contact number and future looked bleak. My mum had no clue still of my diagnosis. I called my mum one afternoon because i didn’t want her to know from any one else. Moreover, i had to answer her why i had been avoiding her from past one year. Reason was that my condition was visibly worsening so couldn’t afford to pay visits or invite her over. Yeah, so i called my mum and mum talked in a normal but complaining voice but i cut her short and said, “Mum, listen, i need to tell you something. I have been sick.” ‘I knew it, how are you now?” Mum said. “Mum i have been really sick, like bad sick, i can tell but you promise not to cry or anything,” I said. “Yes my baby, tell me darling. You can tell me anything. I can come help or ,” she said. I cut short my mum and said, “ okay, mum its cancer. I am struggling ( i broke down). Doctors have told me to go to hospice. No more treatments.” I cried like a little child that day and i felt so much better already. I thought i didn’t care about anything in that moment. I was my mum’s little girl again. I wanted to just hug her and ask her to make me better plz again. Mum had been by my side all through my anxiety days after my dad’s passing. In that moment i didn’t feel that i am giving mum more trouble or i was reminding her of my dad’s cancer. I didn’t care. I just wanted to run all the way to her and just be me. I wanted to be selfish. Mum told my brothers, they sent me tickets the very next day. I packed my bags. I needed to go. I needed to say my last goodbyes. My children had school so they couldn’t come. My husband asked his mother and brother and his wife over to stay with them. So he was sorted. But not my children. I could never forget the way my little one was trying to fit into my suitcase. My older one just became so quiet and said, “  you would be alright? Right?” I looked him and something in his eyes reminded me of myself. That scared me. I felt like fainting. But I promised him, “Mum will try the hardest. I love you two the most. Very tough time for the family.” I cried in my pillow whole night. I wanted to extend my life. I wanted to live. I needed to live. Yeah so what’s new. All sick dying people want to live. Every sick person has been a healthy person once so they want to get back to that reality. I agree. But i am also like those once healthy people, nothing new, i agree. So does that mean i should not think about living for myself and my kids. That morning was dark and cold. My kids were finding it hard to get out of their sleep. But they tried. Shock and horror on their handsome faces. Oh my heart broke into millions of pieces. Life can be cruel. I said bye to my children, hugged them and said, “see you soon, squirrels.” There were tears, they didn’t say a word, just waved goodbye. I generally don’t mind crying in front of my children and normalise it but that day was different. They were to live without me and it might be it. I might not see them again standing in front of them, walking and looking healthy. I wanted my babies to remember mum as this. Getting cancer is traumatising to the whole family. And i knew what future has in store for them at that moment. Of i didn’t know then nobody know. I had faced all possible cancer disasters and trauma all my life. I was never able to recover from the loss of a parent. I always thought about life with both parents for my children. I had promised myself that I would do everything to provide them childhood which is safe and healthy. But who am I kidding? Life never works like that. My practice of years to keep stress at bay and control my energies to channelise in the direction of healing became oblivious to me in that moment. Anyways i reached to my mum’s place. She game me the tightest hug and just said, “ we will talk about it tomorrow.”She meant it. We had the lovely evening. Everybody was there, mum brothers and sisters in law. I was treated normal. I loved it. How we always take these feelings of leading an uneventful life for granted. That day ended and from early morning, mum made me get up. She asked me to get ready as we were going to see a doctor. Just like old days, mum was there ready to  take me from doctor to doctor and maybe we would go psychiatrist to psychiatrist to help me cope if nothing would work out. Anyways, we went to see a doctor. It was a big hospital. And he was working on a drug trial. He knew mum and my brothers. So he was kind of family friend to them. For me he was a doctor who seemed friendly and nice. He sent me for all the scans. Whole day i was going in and out of the different machines, giving bloods, urine, sample and what not. By the way, my new doctor couldn’t get a sample in first attempt. Apparently, in my previous biopsy the whole tumour tissue was removed as sample and some black liquid was put on the place. So another biopsy was performed and doctor managed to grab some tissue. Because a bid piece was taken, so the tumour spread to the nearby areas. So, they managed to take a number of pieces by going side ways to other parts of my body. Finally, my reports came, it was nothing short of a constellation. But the doctor didn’t seem unnerved by that. He said that he wanted to see if i could qualify for the experimental new drug which you had. I never saw a doctor so excited about their patients before. I saw him interacting with his patients. He never gave them false hopes but never stopped to encourage them to keep faith in their doctor who was intended to give his best shot. I was hopeful and was looking forward to seeing my children once again. I entered into the trial. I was given my first dose along with a cocktail of chemo drugs. I felt better that day and i felt worse day after. Vomiting and nausea didn’t go away even after anti nausea medication. But my blood work were fine for the next round in three weeks. I was given another dose. I got worse. This time diarrhoea was there too. I was given drip for nutrition. My tlc count was too low. My albumin levels were low. I got admitted to get ivs for tlc and albumin. Before next dose, my blood work was made perfect by intravenous infusions. Third dose was given. I couldn’t leave hospital that day. I was in and out of drowsiness or consciousness as i later got to know. I vomited the entire stomach. My stool became watery. Just water in the stool. I wanted to drink water but i couldn’t gulp a single drop. My mum got scared. I was put on infusions but my body lost the energy to sit up. A month went by just like that. I couldn’t get any more infusions. My blood work was disastrous. I was given an urgent blood transfusion. Things kept getting worse. My legs developed deep vein thrombosis. My liver got under effect. My legs and feet were swollen. I was bed ridden in adult diapers, eating through intravenous fluids. My new doctor was shocked. My body had declined any further torture. It had enough.

Now it was time to take a decision. I didn’t have time. I could be tried to be treated for my symptoms, nothing more. Another heartbreak. Let me tell you one thing, you only stress about your children and their lives when are able to think. I was so sick that i couldn’t even think about anything at all. There were just uncomfortable drowsiness 24 hours. I was sinking. I wasn’t thinking. It was so good, stress free. I couldn’t even imagine now that i was so relaxed during that time. I was not able to talk on phone because I couldn’t talk in general. No thoughts, no interaction, no food, no water, no worries. I was dying. If I wanted to die, i am not sure even still. I was just there in acceptance without any fear. I didn’t even feel disgusted when the house keeping staff came change my diapers, undressed me, sponge me. I was just lying there fearless. 

Hugs

P