Home loan.

Hello lovely people 

Here i am as i promised in my last blog. So let’s continue. After three brachytherapy i was on three monthly monitoring and up until November, my doctor seemed happy with scans and just said he could see some inflammation on the pelvis area. He was thinking that was perhaps because of the radiation. But then he asked me to go back to scan in February. He said the inflammation mark was bigger in size than before, so that may not be an inflammation after all. So maybe i needed an operation if that’s the cancer. I was scared as hell more about the anaesthesia than the tumour recurrence. I had not had very good past experiences as you might have read in my past blogs. Anyways, he booked me for a biopsy before going ahead with next options. Under general anaesthesia ( yes not the epidural, even doctors did not want to take a risk) the biopsy was performed. I was sure there was nothing but i just asked the nurse when I woke up if she found any thing. Yes yes they did find it and they took the whole piece out for biopsy. Doctors were sure even by looking at it that we had cancer revisiting. That was heartbreaking but dying wasn’t an option but trying was. So I geared up for the surgery, or so I thought. I got a call in three days and the receptionist asked me to come see my doctor if i am free. It was February 23rd. February was turning out to be pretty eventful. I rang my husband if he wanted to come as we had to plan together the date for my surgery. This is what I was thinking; however, there was no surgeon team was waiting for me when i reached there . Not even my doctor. There was a doctor who i met during my hospital admissions when I first got the diagnosis. So i didn’t really remember her but she insisted that we had met before so i agreed. Anyways she made us sit and started saying, “In your biopsy, we found necrotic tissues. Surgery is not possible as it will not save your life. You have two years maximum. Coming months are not going to be pleasant. I will give you hospice number. I am sorry.” I was shocked and just was looking at the glasses on her eyes and her masked mouth moving as she was talking. I was thinking she might be mistaken. I was there to talk about my surgery not to hear , ‘i am sorry.’ After realising that she meant what she had said, i looked at my husband who was in some deep thought at that moment. He looked up and said to the doctor, “ please can you do something. There must be something you can do, she seems fine”. I don’t know why but him saying those words made me feel loved by my husband first time in my life. All my life i have been waiting for a moment like this when he would show he wanted me. Never mind, what he said next brought me back to the reality. He said how he would pay home loan, if they could help him with the government scheme of helping cancer victims. I just wanted to die there and then. How embarrassing! This dream of being acknowledged as a loved spouse has remained a dream for this lifetime. He still had the audacity to ask for the paperwork to apply for financial help. That day was eye opener. I realised that I needed to stay alive as long as possible for my children. 

I wanted to cry, asked him to stop the car for a bit. I needed to calm down but my voice was falling on deaf ears. I cried in car saying my boys name. He closed the car windows saying, “we will be home soon, don’t make a scene here.” After that day i became total invisible. I was left to die. I have asked the nurse to provide psychological support to my children which my husband denied saying, “you can take counselling for you, my children are doing well.” That day was the most disgusting day of my life. Not because I was dying but because I saw a very hideous emotion a person could show. I am very forgiving person in general but I couldn’t that day. I always believe that giving words to your emotions is the best way to communicate. It may sound a bit impolite but this is the best way to understand oneself and to make genuine connections with others. Husband of mine expressed himself such a way that I realised he didn’t belong with me. I am happy for him that he knows his priorities. He has never pretended to love me. Looking back, i never remember him saying the words ‘love’ rather he was critical of these words. According to him, love is very low class and doesn’t display our religious values but a synonym for sex. I wish him luck.

It was hard keep living like that after the diagnosis. I always wanted to have an understanding partner but at this point I wanted him to empathise at least. By the way, he said he would not divorce me because he didn’t want anyone to say that he left me while I was sick. And by then I had become too tired too argue. I didn’t want kids to disrespect him because he was going to be their only parent. So no divorce. And yes guys, I hadn’t told my family up until now. Now literally on death bed, i called my mum. I told her everything. She proved to be a very brave woman one more time in her life. She asked me to come to her. I so wanted to see her and I told my husband about that. Next day, he arranged grand parents to look after my kids and accompanied me onboard a plane to my mother’s house. I didn’t want my kids to see me withering and shrivelling every day, so this seemed like a good idea. May be he was thinking the same. It was so hard to say goodbye to my children. Both of them were  not ready to leave their mum. It was the hardest decision. But i had to go to get peace of mind and think about what next. It was hard thinking or even breathing there. I was feeling neglected and unseen by my husband and his family. I decided to stop working that day. So no job now just dark thoughts, which I was keeping at bay barely. My colleagues understood and left me with so many cards and letters. Everyone was saying one thing that they believed in me. I could not give up like that. We shared a few stories from our working together days. Those were fun memories. I have always enjoyed my work. People acknowledged and loved me there. It was very tough to give that important part of my life up. Although, I really felt much better mentally by hearing all that. It’s surprising how you need to hear from others sometimes to realise your strengths. From all the anecdotes and stories that day I got to know myself and that i am very stubborn. I realised I needed to get out of this misery and miserable situation to be able to get back to my children and of-course that home loan grabbed my attention like a sneaky stalker. Being sick is one thing but being miserable is like death before the death. Of my two years, i had already wasted three months. I needed to get up. Many of you might be wondering why did I marry him in the place if there were so many problems and why didn’t I leave him. I will answer all these questions in my next blog post.

Hugs

PS