In quest for happy days.

Hello lovely people, 

So it was the day of my final brachytherapy. I had been admitted since last night for bowel preparations as it was a prerequisite for this procedure. As i told you guys in my last blog my second brachy procedure was a walk in the park unlike the first one which was nothing short of crawling in the fire pit. Anyways i was excited. Lately anything could excite me. That was my new way of coping with my emotions. I always think if you can read and recognise your emotions then it becomes less messier to face the situation. So i was thinking, “that’s it. I am free. My soul will be happy again.” I would be able to tell my mum finally that i had cancer and then i got treatment. Oh there were so many thoughts in-spite of me trying hard not to jinx it. Ha ha i don’t believe in such things but I was going through some very tough times. And it is hard not to fall for crazy stuff in such circumstances. Anyways yeah, the morning arrived. I got rolled over to the procedure room. I saw the lady anaesthetic. Nothing against the ladies, but guys that was the same person from my first procedure. I almost had a panic attack. She gave me a smile. Not a sinister one but one of compassion. No guilt there that she messed up me first time just a very kind smile. Then she put her mask on and came to talk to me. “Are you ready? It seems like you already had too procedures,” she said. “You were at the first one, how came you forget,” i resisted the urge to say. But i didn’t want to agitate her by reminding what she did last time. But she did remember though or a look at my back brought some memories back to her, when she started pushing the needle in my back she said that she remembered how small a back i had. After third attempt when i didn’t get numb, i knew i was doomed. She tried again but i felt hurt in my spine. I told her about it and she seemed apologetic. She was generally concerned by now. She tried one more time. By now i had too much of that stuff in my body. I started to feel groggy. She made me lie down and did a touch and feel test. She used a cold sprayed to check but I couldn’t feel the icy cold spray. So as per her, we were good to go. So the radiation tubes were fitted inside my pelvis. Oh yes sorry i forget to tell. I started to feel all the machines inside me there on the OT bed. I was in pain again. My doctor was horrified and he looked at the anaesthetic and she offered pain killer injection. My doctor asked me if I wanted the injection or wanted him to take all the equipments out. I requested to get the injection first because the pain was killing me. After the injection the doctor asked me if i wanted to continue or they should reschedule the procedure. I said, “No, please continue. Anaesthetic has said in ten minutes injection will work so please continue.” It all started. I was taken to MRI and then the waiting room. This time it was horrible than before. The injection didn’t work but gave me nausea feeling. I did not understand what to do. My friend and husband was with me in the waiting room. I am happy that my friend was there. I asked her to tell doctors about my nausea because if i vomit or move all of their hard work and my sufferings will go waste. She kept my side and keep on stroking my forehead all this time. I was feeling horrible. Nausea stopped after anti nausea was injected in me. After the procedure, there was no bleeding but my head was hurting. But got discharged with paracetamol. I didn’t care about headache, i was over the moon that the last bit of treatment was finished. But i couldn’t sit up or stand up even after four days of procedure. The moment I would stand up, i felt headache and neck aches. I called my doctor’s number and the nurse replied. I told her all about the symptoms and she immediately asked me to come to the hospital. I was booked in and they explained my symptoms. I had spinal puncture because of epidural injections. I needed a blood patch. I waited for some time in the ward then i was taken to the OT. So a blood patch is literally a blood patch put into the spine. So to understand, an epidural blood patch is a procedure in which a small volume of autologous blood is injected into a patient’s epidural space to stop a leak of cerebrospinal fluid. So, a small amount of blood was taken from my arm and then injected. I was discharged from hospital the same day. I felt relieved. I went home and felt peacefully that night. I woke up with a banging pain in my head and very stiff muscles in neck. I phoned back to the doctor and i was told to come back. By the way, i never like the word “it happens rarely” or “never happened before” ever but i was hearing all these a lot ever since my brachytherapy started. First the anaesthesia episodes and now the spinal fluid leak and blood patch failure. I was given another blood patch and made me lie down on my back for two days before discharging me from hospital. I was told to keep lying straight for next three days, so i did for a week. Oh my back was killing me all this time from lying down all the time on my back. Then i finally took a chance after a week and turned on my side. That was the best gift human being has received to be able to sleep on their sides. So almost happy days except for the tinnitus that was making feel crazy. I was able to keep myself tinnitus free throughout my chemotherapy, but not anymore. While in talks with my psychiatrist later on she pointed out that I might have a highest pain tolerance. I think that was not the case really. My mind had manifested good times after the treatment and my brain was desperate in those moments. That’s it.

I was scheduled for scans every three months. I joined back work. I really felt better mentally, felt independent and free. By the way there was still inflammation on my scans even after six months. I was scheduled for biopsy and declared that was still cancer tissue. I might have to get the operation done on me now. Doctors would decide in a meeting next week, i was told. The phone call i received i still get nightmares about. I will talk about it in my next blog.