the C game

Hello lovely people 

As promised here i am, so after leaving my sleeping children at home with our friend and his wife, we drove to the general practitioner (GP). After explaining my condition, i was referred to emergency care. The clinic called an ambulance and i was moved to the hospital emergency care. I was in the ambulance with two nurses. My husband followed us in car. I was bleeding non stop and my blood pressure was high. Nurse looked a bit worried and said something to the other nurse. I was feeling too tired and drowsy by then. But I managed to ask what’s going on. She said, “Don’t worry. It’s just blood pressure. It’s high. But a high bp is better than a low .” I wanted to ask but she changed the topic and started asking me about my family and work. She was definitely trying to distract my brain from all the stree and she did that successfully. We reached the hospital and i was rushed on a stretcher to the emergency room. I felt like i am on Medical emergency Tv show. Nurses were rushing and doctor came to see me immediately. That was the wonder of emergency room that night. I was treated like an emergency Unlike these past two years when i felt unheard. Anyways, nurses were kind. Fortunately some gynaecology specialist doctor was visiting hospital that day. I was moved to the OT like room with big lights on the ceiling and one attached to a movable stand. He used a vaginal speculum and just after couple of minutes said something to the nurse in an inaudible voice. He came to my side and asked my husband. Without wasting another breath he said, “i saw some mass on cervix. I think it’s cancer”. And that’s it. He left us there shell shocked and scared. His tone seemed a bit angry as if getting cancer was a crime or as if it’s my fault that i had cancer. My husband looked so glum all of a sudden. I started to cry. Two nurses came to us and talked to us and consoled us. Another doctor came, she talked to me about the treatment plan that i will receive in a couple of days. We were still shocked. We were just nodding yes or no, it was hard to make syllables. That doctor put a packing of bandages inside my cervix. It was a feeling closer to being gagged. My husband went back home to children. We didn’t talk much about the situation. He just said while getting out of the room, “Tell your family .” I kept rehearing in my mind how i am going to tell my mum and my brothers and what words i am going to say. We haven’t overcome the loss of my father even after all these years. And they live in a far away state, there is only one flight in two days. And what would Mum say and if she cried hysterically then what would i say to her. My brothers they didn’t deserve to see another member of the house dying miserably. And i was thinking that my children were too young to understand. Younger than us when we lost our dad. They would see me dying inch by inch. This was going to mess them up for life. I knew what I am going to leave them to. This loneliness, fear and those strange stares of people. My poor children. 

Next morning my husband came to see me along with my children. My babies, they came wearing masks on their little faces. Covid protocols. Their eyes were visible. They were already looking so scared. I decided not to tell them that i have cancer. I told them everything else that the doctors found the mass of tissues that has caused bleeding and they would tell mum about the treatment plan soon. That day was the toughest. My husband asked if i have informed my family about all this. I told him I could not. He said in a warning tone that if I would not do that he would. I asked for some time to think. I stayed there three days and on third way i was taken for MRI. Biopsy results had confirmed by then. I stopped working, I resigned and cited health issues as reason. I was booked for PET scan. My boys started to cry one evening and i cried with them. I had always told my children that crying was fine. If we were said we would cry. No judgement there. After all these scans and tests, doctors called us to his office. We reached there and of course we were not expecting any good news because we were told about the biopsy results. So chemo, radiation and brachytherapy were the treatments, I would receive. But when, doctors weren’t sure. Too much burden on health departments. Patients were waiting for their treatments. I was one of them. But my bleeding kept coming back. I kept going back to the emergency room. It was so frustrating. I was prescribed medication for blood clots to stop the bleeding. These medications come with side effects. I was waiting for my turn like a benched player to participate in the game of big scary C. After two months i got a call that my oncologist wanted to see me for my treatment. Because it was after two months, i had to rebook all the tests. My disease was getting worse and spreading. But thankfully my treatment had started. Chemo was fine. Doctors gave me medication which helped with symptoms. Radiation hurt me like anything but i finished that too finally. Then comes brachytherapy. Oh the mere mention of the word sends shivers down my spine. I will be back to share that part of my life soon.

Hugs 

P