Anxiety! Sure.

Hello lovely people

So here i am, as I promised in my last blog that i will share about my undiagnosed seizures. I was getting too tired of breathing forcibly , rubbing my tingling hands, controlling my constant thoughts of my imminent death. I turned 13 by the time my symptoms were taken seriously and i was talking about my mental health with the doctors. Mental health, anxiety, stress, depression may be normal to talk about in today’s time but two decades ago it wasn’t the case. Mum didn’t want me to be diagnosed with any mental illness. That doesn’t mean she didn’t love me. She was trying to protect me from the society. By society i mean our relatives, extended family and friends. My mum was getting so frustrated with the situation. After my dad, my mum was working to keep the flow of money going. It wasn’t much but we were able to survive. I was getting more and more angry with myself and my mum. I just want her to get me better. I was missing school, i stopped talking to friends, i used keep lying in bed and keep thinking of a parallel world where everything is perfect. I used to keep exhausting my brains thinking until i fell asleep. So the doctors diagnosed me as having anxiety due to STRESS. I was given valium and alprazolam tablets. These tabs would keep me in trance or in sleep mode. I missed so much of school because of that. But at least i was not getting those full blown seizures. This kept going on for next two and half years. I just didn’t like it, i felt like loosing control of my emotions and keep popping those pills to function NORMAL. By the way doses were getting more and more every three months as my body was getting used to it and not being as effective. I hated that feeling of being dependent on those drugs. I wanted my life back. I wanted to function without those pills. I wanted to take control of my emotions, my stress my thoughts of death and my dad. And i always thank myself for thinking that way. I was finally able to see myself as a person, i was looking at myself not so vulnerable anymore. I overcame my fears but i had to really sweat to achieve that. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen for me. I did that for me. But before i helped myself to happiness, i went through the phase of denial and running away from truth. So ease my pain i surrounded myself with new people. I felt free. I didn’t feel scared of attracting attention towards poor fatherless me. Because i moved school, got new friends, never told my new friends about dad. So all good. I was normal for some time. This phase was too much for me, denial wasn’t something that I promised myself. I wanted to get peace of my mind which i ultimately achieved. I will talk about it later.
hugs

P